Witness Exhibit B… “Barry”

Barry has what I like to call the “Ex-Factor.” He is, in fact, one of my ex-boyfriends.  Our relationship was very intense but didn’t work out and… honestly I was upset about it.  I was really into this dude.  After we broke up I saw him a few times and he wasn’t overly nice or anything.  Barry did manage to always give me these puppy dog eyes and stupid me melted every time.

Last fall, I was working a restaurant one night and he came in with some friends and ended up staying for a few hours. In that time, I ended up getting cut and stayed to have a beer with him.  Well, one beer turned into 5 and a whole different bar.  We were talking and he says “When someone has a connection like we do I think that it would be wrong to give up, we should try to make this work.”  And so, being a girl to some degree, I fell for it!!!!!  Stupid, stupid me. Looking back on that night I am almost positive heprobably doesn’t even remember saying that to me.  After that night happened, he would text me randomly and I would spend the night at his place, but then not hear from him for days afterward.
A few weeks of this nonsense go by when he texted me and said that with school starting and him working he would only have time to chill with me after work.  Um, he is a bartender so “after work” means no earlier than 3 or 4 A.M. Right. He said that he would like to, but just didn’t have the time.  I responded with “that’s fine, I don’t really have time either.”  In reality, I was in school and working 2 jobs, but would have found the time so it bothered me that he was attempting to feed me such a bullshit line. As the weeks went by and the only time I heard from him was at 4 A.M. I began to get more irritated with the situation.  I was more TO’ed at myself more than him to be honest.  I KNEW I deserved better, if it were any other dude I would told him to get fucked, but it was Barry, and I liked him… only because he didn’t like me back.  Girls can be so stupid in this way; you ditch the good guy who treats you so well to chase the douches. Story of my life…
The breaking point happened one night, it was a Friday.  Both of us being bartenders we had made plans to hang out after work so when bar time rolled around and we were cleaning, he texted me asking if I was still coming over and I replied, “Yeah, when are you going to be done?”  And didn’t hear back from him until… 5:30 AM SUNDAY MORNING.  He had the balls to call me to come over after completely blowing me off the night before!!!!  I mean, REALLY?!?!? Really?!  I didn’t answer when he called because my roomie and I were snuggling and I didn’t want to wake her so this was our texting conversation:
Me: “Couldn’t find anyone better to fuck?”
Barry: “You would say that.  You were all about it the last night.”
Me: “Yeah well I guess I’m over it.  I deserve better than this.”
And didn’t hear from him, shocker until the next morning when he responded with, “Okay.”
Two days go by and I don’t hear from him until he texts me and says, “Why did you get all bent out of shape when I called you to come over when you were down the night before?”  It was at this point I realized this guy is never going to be anything but a douche bag*ding,*ding*ding*… and I really was over it.  I’m a hot ass chick who has her shit together and deserves so much better than this fucktard!!!!! So I replied with “Like I said before, I guess I’m over it.  I don’t want to be whatever we are.”
The Ex-Factor is a tricky situation to handle and 98% of the time it was never a good idea to begin with!  Ladies, if you find yourself having a moment of weakness, just remember, you’ve probably had better sex and/or can get yourself off better than he ever could.  Men like to think they hold all the power but as Katt Williams says:

“Ladies, you need to understand that as long as you got a vagina, you run the entire motherfucking Universe. That’s the way it is. You need to understand that. Ladies, I’m telling you…you gotta be the shit to you. Stop waitin on a man to verify whether you the shit or not. Bitch, if you the shit; you the motherfucking shit.”

Keeping with the Ex-Factor, standby for Exhibit C.  He’s the icing on the Ex-Factor cake with douchebag batter…

I know you’ve seen this guy at the bar… spiked hair, probably in a faux hawk, wearing a v-neck t-shirt, some sort of thick banded watch or bracelet and some borderline metro sexual jeans. You know that guy; he’s a douche bag.

The art of being a douche bag is something men seem to be able to pull off more and more, or maybe it’s just my bullshit tolerance thinning to a noticeable level. I’m what you would call “experienced” in the douche bag category. I mean, almost every dude I have chosen to “involve” myself with has ended up being one. These guys like to think they are standing out because they have trendy gear, a fly hair style, and give the best fuck me eyes in Milwaukee but in truth, they are just douche bags, every last one of em.

Since this is the first article I’ll tell you about my all time favorite douche bag: the one who thinks he’s oh so sly. Since moving to Milwaukee I’ve met three (that really stick out anyways). Three different scenarios, each one so horribly douchtastic you should thank me for telling you, I mean these guys really take the cake.

Exhibit A – “Albert”:

So I met this guy, Albert (we’ll call him) doing promotions at his bar over the summer. Good-looking, great personality, rich… everything a girl wets her drawers over. So I continue to work at this place for the majority of the summer, going out with him every week, spending a fair amount of time with him. You know the deal. One night we’re sitting at Albert’s bar and he says to me “oh, there are things you don’t know about me.” And of course my response, “what don’t I know that I should?” And bear in mind I have not heard a single word uttered about a girlfriend nor have I seen one in all these months. So Albert says nothing and we proceed to drinking. Amazingly, 35 minutes later Albert blurts out, “I’m engaged.” ENGAGED. He doesn’t have a girlfriend; he’s got a fuckin’ wifey! So I play it cool, not that upset, I’m not the show emotion type of gal, so we continue with the night.

I continue to still hang out with him and one night we walk into one of his favorite bars like it ain’t no thang, but right after we walk into together he heads straight to the bathroom. While waiting this girl comes up and goes “Hi, I’m (stupid girl) who are you?” I introduce myself and she looks at her friend, (who p.s. works for said douche at his bar) and they exchange the “knowing” glance, you know the look I’m talking about. When El Douche comes back from the bathroom we sit together and soon after the girl leaves he tells me that “stupid girl” is his ex-girlfriend. Not to be confused with his fiancée. As soon as our current establishment begins to suck we leave to go to the opening of Suite. Before we hit the door Douchtastic sees his “ex” again, beelines it for her face and is not to be heard of again for the remainder of the night. Now, emphasis on NOW. I’m not one for bullshit and scandals. I had no intention of doing anything with this douche. Ever. But come on! What a dick move!

My night ended better than it started since people from work ended up being at Suite as well and I just swapped crowds… To conclude: I texted him with this…and (this is the God’s honest truth):

“You know what, you are a fucking douche bag and I feel bad for your fiancée because she is stuck with a douche for the rest of her life.”

His response, “Thanks!” – a day later, in typical douche bag fashion…

Standby for Exhibit B…